I like Coffee… and Gifts

I’m a coffee person.

I make a big deal about Jesus. I led worship. I’m a people person.And I love coffee. These are just the Amanda facts that if you’ve spent much time around me in life, you’d have discovered.

Last year, when I moved back to West Palm, I didn’t know how long I would live… because of that, things felt very temporal and it was hard for me to wrap my mind around purchasing much. Coming to South Florida in mid-November I was walking straight into the holidays and the acceptance that Christmas 2020 would be my last. I remember going to Disney the second week of January and all the Christmas stuff was 90% off, and even still (bargain obsessed shopper that I am) I easily passed on the items. I won’t be here to wear them next year was what I told myself. It was a factual decision, not emotional.

Without a timeline for my terminal prognosis but navigating multi-system organ failure, I simply moved into a Residence Inn for the first few weeks I was down here. It was an amazing location right off of Downtown Rose Mary Square and we got an amazing deal. The only issue was, despite the other appliances provided, it didn’t have a coffee maker. (I’m sure like everything else in the hotel industry, the gap could be blamed on COVId somehow…) I digress. I put out on Facebook that I was looking for a Keurig, and wondered if anyone I knew in the area might have an extra laying around. While no one did, a family that has been a part of my worship teams back in Colorado reached out to me and let me know they wanted to buy one. Go to a store and they’d have it paid for or they could send one. They simply wanted to figure out a way to bless me because of the impact I had made on their family. Despite my lack of refinement in accepting either well, my love languages are Words of Affirmation and Gifts. (Which is why I have kept probably 500+ hand drawn cards I’ve been given by my kiddos over the years- affirmation and a gift all in one perfectly un-perfect package.) Even now I am overwhelmed thinking of their generosity.

But I said no thank you. At the time I hadn’t shared much about what I was navigating, and yet I let Becki know that I just didn’t feel comfortable accepting a costly item, with the subtext being, “I don’t want you to waste your money on something I might not get a lot of use out of, before…” She was gracious, even if I wasn’t and just as quickly and without asking permission this time sent me the most extravagant Starbucks gift card I could imagine. My hotel was right across from a Starbucks and since I’m a morning coffee and free refills kinda gal it lasted me for my stay and beyond. It was the best ever.

Fast forward to present day, all this time has passed and I am still here and it still feels just as weird to accept things of value. When I was in the midst of COVId, I shared an Amazon Wish list and people blessed me so beautifully. This year, so many financial gifts have literally been the miraculous answers for medical bills and living expenses. I could never say thank you in a way that would be adequate, and as someone who has spent her life trying to “earn” my worth… it’s been a humbling thing to receive that which I could never give back or repay.

This week, even before my hospital admission and the newest medical challenges, a friend I cheered with all the way back to MIDDLE School dropped some Starbucks money in my Venmo account and asked me to update her on a desired item from my Amazon Wish List.

But what did I say? First, thank you for the Starbucks and then I again shied away from the kind offer for anything more. Knowing how I feel and what has been said, I let her know it felt difficult to ask for anything at this point not knowing the future. Her response was beautiful, and similar to the one I received last year as well. Sandy illustrated that whether “I live a few more month or until I’m 80 years old” a gift given is given in love, because the person has value, because the giver wants the receiver to know they care, and it doesn’t always have to be about longevity or practicality. Wow. Again, I’m a words of affirmation person, but what a powerful love punch to the gut, right?

This is a season of gifts. Of giving. Of receiving. I believe so many of us (especially you precious humans I get to interact with) desire to be generous. It doesn’t always come from what we do practically, financially, or measurably. And yet I think that many of us have these finite brains that keep the score. Is this gift enough? Is what I am receiving worth more than I am able to give in return? Because these are also the deeper questions, the questions we try to answer with the way we spend our lives. Am I enough? Am I worth what I receive in return?

Keep no score. That’s the message and the hope in this season. The greatest Gift came not because we could ever earn it, be worth it, or find ourselves enough to receive it. We receive it in vulnerability, in humility and in brokenness. And in receiving it, we find that all our questions are answered with love. Because that IS the gift: the greatest love ever given. Extravagant. Impractical.

I walk a road that is different than most. But here’s the thing: I believe there’s something pretty miraculous about generosity… because I think when we are giving we are most like Jesus. And Jesus didn’t keep score. Life is meant to be lived outside the context of balancing scales just like it’s not meant to be lived chained to a terminal timeline. Your questions are already answered… you are worth it. You are enough.

Live that. Give it. Receive it.

See the miracles. Get your hopes up… and drink some coffee.