Scary Faith for Full Healing

I got the call.

Normally when you discharge from the hospital, your Primary Care doctors office calls you within a couple days. When you are in palliative or hospice and you discharge from a hospital stay, a coordinator calls you both to see how you are physically but also asses you overall. Along the way I’ve figured out this is a method for them to determine where you fit on their spectrum of care. 

The thing that I feel is kinda dangerous about palliative and hospice care, is that part of their purpose is to get you comfortable with dying. It’s noble and important and I’m not discounting that. To look at my situation in that way may actually be safer… but have I been called to safety?

Or have I been called to expectation?

For over two years I have talked about the peace I have in the future. The readiness and hope I have in heaven. That I’m not more invested in my healing than in the Healer. 

It sounds really nice, doesn’t it? Sweet Amanda’s just on her journey home. Hitting a couple bucket list items, trying to live in places she can stay warm.

At the same time I’ve lived this crazy life of miracles. I fought hard. I’ve weathered a lot. I’ve seen God move mightily and I’ve tried to find words to share and tell you about it along the way. I’ve cherished the most precious relationship with Jesus. But in holding it so close and tender, I’ve tried to protect it from my own expectations. I told you I was content with the everyday miracles. Seeing God in all the small things.

See, if I didn’t ask for the “big” miracle, I could protect my sweet and tender relationship with Jesus from the disappointment of a healing I couldn’t guarantee I’d see. To be vulnerable… I have kept the parts of my heart from God that might be wounded if an expectation for full healing went unmet. 

But let’s call that what it is, because in truth, it isn’t sweet and it isn’t tender. It’s actually fear and a lack of faith. Is God really God of my life if I’m not asking and allowing Him to act and do what He wants within it?

I can exhort you in seeing everyday miracles, I can give you life lessons in living for a bigger purpose beyond your daily plan… but I don’t know that there’s a whole lot I can TEACH you about big faith and expectancy for healing miracles, for audacious requests of God… because I’m learning how to have and use it myself right now. 

When I first reached out to Oceans Church on Instagram for prayer, I wanted them to do what so many have done before. I hoped some people would join with me in comfort and ask for peace as I looked to dying. And kinda without my permission… they instead prayed for me to live.

I wanted to protect my heart and requests from God because I didn’t want to allow myself to be disappointed if he didn’t answer my prayers the way I wanted. What sounds kind, meek and graceful… is actually just rooted in a lack of faith.

As I have looked toward heaven I have lived a life seeing everyday miracles. I believe my story points to a big God at work in the details of my life. Heaven is both my hope and my final home. Of this I’m assured. And when you live a life of truly constant pain and challenges. Home sounds like a pretty great place to be.

But as glorious as those streets of gold may sound. Heaven is not a place for miracles. And heaven is also not where the power of my story is going to be able to capture a heart or change a life. That doesn’t feel as warm and fuzzy, right?  The reflection of Gods power will only be able to be used here. I believe my story is going to impact, even when I’m gone… and yet I have not seen full healing take place in my life, and who better to get glory from THAT than the one who gets the credit for all the miracles that came before?

I just don’t feel like I’m done.

I want to walk into church and it feel dangerous. Because every time I step through those doors, I’m bringing with me the expectation for a miracle. With that, I might be carrying the potential for temporal disappointment… but that’s not going to stop me from making my request. It’s not going to keep me from showing up EXPECTANT every time.

My big audacious prayer is FULL HEALING. Not an extension of life past my current infection or challenge. 

A doctors report that says my scleroderma is gone. That my heart is beating properly and not in failure. That my internal bleeding and pain stops and I don’t need weekly transfusions. 

My church is seeing the power of God move and miracles flow. People are leaving wheelchairs behind, tumors vanish and bones mend. I’ve told God I want to see him put 20 pounds on my frame in an instant. I personally think that would be pretty creative, but however He wants to accomplish His work in my life.. I will be ready to declare it.

My big audacious prayer also, then, is that I can stay in California after February when my lease ends. I don’t have a way to provide or a way to afford it because I wasn’t planning to live more than the 6 months that was paid for. But that’s not going to stop my from asking. Because part of my fear in seeking full healing has been being too afraid of how I’d afford to live if I survived. 

But my goal isn’t just to survive. 

I know my heart, and truly my goal has only ever been to make a big deal about Jesus. For others to know Him the way I do, and to know the love I have experienced that truly is better than life. 

It’s tender and it’s personal… but it was never intended to be timid. I have found a group of people who believe for the impossible… you might be one of them. If you are, thank you for adding your love and faith to my miracle. And if you’re joining in on this journey along the way, get ready… God’s not done yet. This hope is real.