Choosing Life and Seeing God

I’ve said often in the past year or so that “if I had known what I know now, maybe I’d make a different decision.” But when you are walking out a terminal diagnosis with an illness that makes no sense and has very few answers… it is difficult to know how to make a decision.

So what has been my decision?
Live.
Experience.
Adventure.

I was in the hospital more than ever before.
And I also had more adventures and more moments of saying “yes.”
More witnesses to miracles in my life.

I experienced God. Through the scary, and the beautiful, the Instagram worthy moments and the hours I was unable to move out of bed.
I’ve seen God in experiences. His kindness. His favor. His sovereignty.
And for someone who comes alive in the experience, I feel like it’s been an especially personal journey. Like the God who made me for something is giving me the opportunity to come alive through it… even as I am dying.
I have seen God. In ways I never would have if I hadn’t jumped into the adventure.

As I surrender this adventure I’ve seen him use an illness He could have already healed and a diagnosis He could have prevented to bring hope and stir faith. It releases our hands from control when we see that His ultimate power in the midst of so many “you’ll never make it through this” odds has the final word.

So knowing now what I didn’t know then? What different decisions would I make?
It’s less about the logistics than I thought it would be.
I probably would have gotten a longer term lease sooner. I might not have moved to California for medical treatments I didn’t end up qualifying for. I might have skipped the trip to get my morning coffee when I fell and broke my hip.

But California took me to the Oaks and meeting Bob Goff and other incredible people.
Breaking my hip restored the faith of so many when thousands rallied to pray and I came through the surgery alive.
Getting hit by a car led me to a dentist who saved my life. I was never out of His sight.

God used a year of “you can’t make this up” mess for His glory.
Standing on the other side I don’t know how I made it… alive.

And yet… I am not the Amanda I was at the beginning of 2021. For all that I have learned and grown, my body has continued to fail and falter. Even now, I am in the hospital fighting my 3rd blood infection in as many months. I feel weak. I hurt immensely.

I know, very gravely, that tomorrow is not guaranteed… but His faithfulness is. The timelines? I think we’ve all given up on the 5 year plans at this point, right?
This year has taught me not to live the plan. But to live the purpose.
More faith.
Trust.
Unspeakable joy.
Unfailing Hope.

December nearly broke me.
Not just in the way that I was constantly in hospital and physically feeling so awful.
I feel like so much of the last year has been living in spite of the diagnosis’ and evidence of my physical reality. December felt like I was fully living in it. That meant feeling like I was fully dying. And with the absence of being able to really live here on earth, my questions and thoughts shifted to asking if my only hope was Heaven. Is everything here on earth going to be so hard and difficult? And if so, can I still journey it well?
All the questions led to more fear.

But, that’s the difference a year of SEEING God makes.

I have seen there is no need for fear.

My days have already been determined by the God who created me to live them. This is the assignment He’s given me and so I do not need to question the reason. He didn’t give me a plan.. He put inside of me a purpose. And I have chosen to live it…
and I won’t decide any different.